Life Lesson #56

LL#56 reads as follows:

It's ok to be afraid.

I promised myself I would not write anything about what happened, because I didn't think he deserved to have the ability to one day read it.  But I hope he does.  I hope he sees that I have come to terms with the fact that blame is a very personal battle.  Where to put it?  How to know if you've placed it in the right spot?  That's the thing about fault, it's hard to tell who owns it.  

I have had many nights of what was supposed to be peaceful sleep be instead devoted to endless worrying and never faltering thoughts that run through my tired mind, not allowing me to sleep.  In the same breath I have to add that I have made my fair share of mistakes.  It's because of that, that I have become a rather forgiving and understanding person.  It's nothing to brag about, believe me.  Forgiveness is not something I always want to hand out so very freely, but I do anyways because more often than not I can see why people do what they do.  So, I try to be the kindness that they are probably not even giving to themselves at the moment.  But this time is different.

The right thing to do is to let it go, to forgive and forget but I just don't have it in me tonight. I loved a person more than I loved anything else in this world.  The air I was breathing wasn't even as sweet as the sight of him or the sound of my name on his tongue.  I justified his every wrong, and exulted his every right.  I was eighteen.  I was in love.  And I was blind.  My vision, however, has been restored a year later.  I can finally see what was kept so very cleverly hidden from me.  

Monsters are a unique breed and they are very much so real.  They have a mind, a heart, and a will just like the rest of us.  In fact, they blend in more so than an actual person does.  They are brilliant and handsome and convincing.  They don't sleep under our beds, because most of the time they are sleeping in them right next to us.  The thing about monsters is, they can never stay hidden forever.  And when they finally come to the surface, they scare you right down to the beating of your own heart.  Every vein in your body feels on fire with fear, and every ounce of strength you thought you had, disappears as if it were never there to begin with.

The only thing I can tell you so far?  It is ok.  It is ok to be afraid.  There will come a day when you must face down a monster of your own, and it is ok to be scared shitless.  There is nothing embarrassing about fear.  Do not blame yourself for shrinking in the company of a beast.  We are all afraid, and we are all expected to be nothing short of that.  It is ok to be afraid.  It is not ok to let it stop you, consume you, ruin you.  You are still strong.  You are still brave.  You are still able.  Fight back; stand up; throw a few punches of your own.  Be fearless, even when you are terrified.

Best of luck,
K.