Life Lesson #56

LL#56 reads as follows:

It's ok to be afraid.

I promised myself I would not write anything about what happened, because I didn't think he deserved to have the ability to one day read it.  But I hope he does.  I hope he sees that I have come to terms with the fact that blame is a very personal battle.  Where to put it?  How to know if you've placed it in the right spot?  That's the thing about fault, it's hard to tell who owns it.  

I have had many nights of what was supposed to be peaceful sleep be instead devoted to endless worrying and never faltering thoughts that run through my tired mind, not allowing me to sleep.  In the same breath I have to add that I have made my fair share of mistakes.  It's because of that, that I have become a rather forgiving and understanding person.  It's nothing to brag about, believe me.  Forgiveness is not something I always want to hand out so very freely, but I do anyways because more often than not I can see why people do what they do.  So, I try to be the kindness that they are probably not even giving to themselves at the moment.  But this time is different.

The right thing to do is to let it go, to forgive and forget but I just don't have it in me tonight. I loved a person more than I loved anything else in this world.  The air I was breathing wasn't even as sweet as the sight of him or the sound of my name on his tongue.  I justified his every wrong, and exulted his every right.  I was eighteen.  I was in love.  And I was blind.  My vision, however, has been restored a year later.  I can finally see what was kept so very cleverly hidden from me.  

Monsters are a unique breed and they are very much so real.  They have a mind, a heart, and a will just like the rest of us.  In fact, they blend in more so than an actual person does.  They are brilliant and handsome and convincing.  They don't sleep under our beds, because most of the time they are sleeping in them right next to us.  The thing about monsters is, they can never stay hidden forever.  And when they finally come to the surface, they scare you right down to the beating of your own heart.  Every vein in your body feels on fire with fear, and every ounce of strength you thought you had, disappears as if it were never there to begin with.

The only thing I can tell you so far?  It is ok.  It is ok to be afraid.  There will come a day when you must face down a monster of your own, and it is ok to be scared shitless.  There is nothing embarrassing about fear.  Do not blame yourself for shrinking in the company of a beast.  We are all afraid, and we are all expected to be nothing short of that.  It is ok to be afraid.  It is not ok to let it stop you, consume you, ruin you.  You are still strong.  You are still brave.  You are still able.  Fight back; stand up; throw a few punches of your own.  Be fearless, even when you are terrified.

Best of luck,
K.

 

'Cause We're the Three Best Friends That Anybody Could Have

TV has given us a lot; so much so that it has shaped our culture.  But I think even more importantly than that, TV has taught me just exactly who I would choose as my top three bestest buds if I could hand pick them.  So, here we go.

 Number One: Leslie Knope

This is an obvious winner.  Leslie Knope defines best friend to me.  She is the epitome of a good person.  Everything she does, she does because she cares.  It sounds cheesy but my God is it true.  I love that deep down to the very core of her, she is just a genuinely good person.  She loves her job more than anything.  A job that everyone else hates, or refuses to take seriously, or uses as the butt of every good joke, Leslie Knope cares about and works hard at.  She does what is best for everyone, she never thinks about herself first or second or even third.  I love everything that Ms. Knope stands for and I love her even more as my best TV friend.

Number Two: Nolan Whatever-the-Heck

Oh Nolan, you sassy gay man.  I freaking love him.  He wins spot numero dos on the good ol' friends list due to loyalty.  Never have I ever seen such blind loyalty.  Nolan has no problem putting himself in danger, spending his millions of dollars, or losing everything he has if it means doing the better thing for his friends.  I admire his ability to be a complete and total hero to his friends and I would kill for that kind of compassion from bestie number two.

Number Three: Brooke Davis

WELL I MEAN IS ANYONE SURPRISED.  The fact that she is mother freaking beautiful is one thing.  Sorry, girl crush.  Especially season 4. BUT I DIGRESS...no one messes with a mad B.Davis.  She stands up for the people she loves and she does it with class (and pure evil of course).  Brooke has zero issue with getting her hands dirty if it means protecting her friends.  I would give anything to have a friend keep me feeling safe and sound like she does, and it doesn't hurt to have them look nothing less than fabulous while doing it.

My TV friends are awesome.  How're yours?
 

Best of luck,
K. 

My Relationship with Relationships

I was twelve years old when I first came to realize that people are not all they are cracked up to be.  Aside from being conned into giving away all my Polly Pockets for one meatball mozzarella Hot Pocket (ok so not exactly conned...but I was lied to somewhat..there was only one Hot Pocket left instead of two) I hadn't up until that point had many lies told to me.  I remember clearly being just a weird looking pre-teen and thinking that relationships, whether it be with friends or boyfriends, were nothing that ever needed to be second guessed.  And then, I grew up. 

It was heartbreaking at first, when I first came to the realization that people have the ability to lie and leave and manipulate and hurt you without any reason at all.  I can still tell you exactly what it feels like to look someone in the eyes as they lie to you for the first time.  And when I was lied to by a friend for the first time I was horrified.  If the person that knew me so well could lie without a single second thought then what was stopping everyone else from doing the exact same?  How can I ever know the difference between truth and lie; faith and fable.  I suppose I was naive then and I suppose I still am now.  Because that friend was not the first or the last to lie to me.  And yet I still see what friends can be if you find the right ones.  I've grown into the idea that the people who leave, leave for a reason.  People may not be very convincing, but I will swear for them that they are inherently good.  I believe that to the core of my being.  And yes, I've been used probably more than the average person due to my horrible tendency of blind trust but I have come to appreciate it.  I have been both weary and open to people, and from a first hand narrative I can tell you, trusting is good.  Trusting is worth it.  Because those people, the ones that don't leave, can really change your life.  And even the ones that do still slip away, more often than not, manage to leave a lasting impression before they go.  Good or bad, the people we meet are the people that have something for us.  It is hard, believe me, to try and let go of a deeply rooted friendship and just chalk it all up to experience or a soon to be life lesson, but sometimes that is all it is.  And that's ok.  Because I promise you, there is another waiting for you, and this one might just not leave.  And that's a uncertainty worth finding out about.  Don't be afraid to lose people, because you might just find yourself, and that my friends is the greatest gift friendship of any kind can give you.

Best of luck,
K.      

Revenge: TV's Evil Queen

Say hello to Victoria Grayson, also known as Queen Victoria.  This horrifying smirk belongs to TV's most wonderful villain.  The TV series Revenge has an interesting take on what it means to be spiteful, and even more importantly, spiteful and rich.  

While I admittedly started the show with very low expectations (poor acting being part of the problem was inevitable thanks to the handy cast that was insanely shorthanded on talent) I was delightfully misguided in my assumptions (you know what they say...the whole ass and me thing).  I was so excited to watch as these crazy rich people tore each other apart Gossip Girl style.  But, a little to my dismay, that isn't exactly what the show is about.  There are of course deep morals which are blatantly explained to us by the main character at the beginning and end of each episode thanks to a crafty voice-over, along with several other important elements (the awesome twists and turns, the suspense, the heartbreak, etc).  

Despite all of the above being important, I'd like you to skip to this line if you have not found anything thus far worth reading about.  Revenge got one thing exactly right: Victoria Grayson.  Vicious but heartfelt, backstabbing but true, Queen Victoria is the character I have been waiting for all my life.  She is utterly terrifying to me in the same way that a sociopath scares a normal headed person.  Victoria has no sense of loyalty.  She has no explanation for her actions but to save her own ass, no exceptions.  Let me say that again, NO EXCEPTIONS (all caps to really get my point across here).  That no exceptions includes her kids, her husband, her one true love, her very best girl friends, etc.  Victoria has no saving grace, she is selfish and manipulative and fearless in her conquers.  But yet, we see her feel love and sadness and regret.  Then why is she so monsters-under-the-bed-scary to me?  Because none of those emotions stop her.  She has no filter for her actions.  Every emotion is there and we as an audience get to see it, yet we also watch as she swallows them down and continues on her path of destruction.  Emotions are a tricky thing; Victoria Grayson has learned how to completely ignore them.  Remember that no exceptions thing?  If not, please refer back to those capitals.  Despite her emotions, Victoria doesn't even make an exception for herself.  She has opportunities time and time again to make herself "truly happy" and she chooses not to because she'd rather have cash than smiles.  The Queen Bee has a vision of perfect in her mind and she will do whatever it takes to get it.  She is just like any psychotic emotionless bitch, but she has a handy endless supply of dollar bills to back up her evil.  If that's not an impressive insurance plan, then I don't know what is.

If I had to choose between meeting Victoria Grayson or Freddie Krueger in a dark alleyway, I'd take silly little Freddie every time.

Best of luck,
K. 
   

Life Lesson Number 315

LL#315 reads as follows:

"You don't have to feel sad."

This is interesting to me for many reasons but we'll try to keep it short and sweet (no promises, I'm a rambler).  Recently as I was telling a friend the racket that goes on in my empty head she replied with the bolded line above and as I went to rebut her I was at a lost for words.  She's right isn't she?  Who told us that when something happens we are supposed to feel sad?  Who was the very first girl to cry and eat chocolate and not get out of bed for three to five days because her boyfriend turned out to be a piece of shit?  Who decided that if life gets hard it is totally acceptable to mope around and feel like crap for days on end before we ever do anything to change the situation?  Who wrote it in the national rules of life that sadness is a requirement if we ever want to move on?  Because I'm beginning to disagree with all of those who's.  I feel a deep and thundering guilt when I leave and there is no sadness that overwhelms me.  I keep waiting for it.  I sit and I straighten my shirt as I attempt to be prepared for the shit load of sad that is surely supposed to head my way.  But why?  Why do I have to feel sad for doing what is the absolute best for me?  There is no why.  Because guess what?  You don't have to feel sad.  Nobody is requiring you to mourn the end of something bad.  We are, however, requesting you to go get the other 10 million women who are eating their feelings, out of bed.  They haven't gotten the memo yet, any help is great.  Keep your eyes forward and your feet stepping, kiddos.  I am officially ridding us of the ridiculous rule that is being sad.  That boyfriend, that job, that city, that friend; whatever, whoever it may be that has reached its great end is nothing you have to feel sad over any more.  You can now feel free to skip that step, and go straight to hopeful, or naive, or light-headed.  Whatever it takes to get you to where you want to be.  

Best of luck,

K.   

With my heart ticking.

I recently came across an idea that made me think to write it down.  It was brilliant and surely life-changing; abstract but very real.  I have forgotten that idea, so here I am in a new and improved place of bloggage (is that a word? It is now. And also please note I was previously a Tumblr-er. Go take a gander if you wish, but you'll find a whole lot of nothings there www.thegoodoldaze.tumblr.com).  In this blog I will attempt (Am I the only one who tries to spell attempt with only one t at the beginning? You'd think after being a college student for two years I'd have that one down...not so much...) to remember something great, and perhaps through many ramblings I will even in fact write it down here for all to see and share and use. 

Best of luck to any who dare to read my inconsistencies,
K.